What Now?

My mind unprepared yet my heart prepared, I feel a crushing blow. I sit facing my friend – shocked but not shocked. Somehow I knew but didn’t know the unhappiness was so deep inside. I was reflecting into the people and places who didn’t deserve mistreatment. Sadness affects more than just me.

My stunned mind ran in circles wondering where it all went wrong. I closed my eyes hoping a picture would come to explain it all away, a way for the problem to be solved.

A year?

Could it be that bad?

“Yes” the Holy Spirit whispered to me. I was suddenly aware of all I’d done. Not in a way that made sense to me, for I still have no explanation. None of it was intended the way it was took. So in the midst of a life I’ve tried to create order and peace in, I must now make everyone else happy too? Does that seem fair? I asked myself.

As my friend continued to talk my disbelief grew, but my acquiescence did not go ignored. What she was saying was true, from their perspective (my brain slipped that in – how did that happen?) yet I couldn’t understand how it’s gone undetected by me all this time. Must I be everything to everyone?

The shock too fresh, the tears were unable to come. I knew they were inevitable. I did not expect them to come at 8:30pm tonight on I-80 while listening to David Crowder’s And He set me on fire, and I am burning alive. With His breath in my lungs I am coming undone. And I cannot hold it in and remain composed. Love’s taken over me and so I propose the letting myself go.

I am letting myself go.

You are my joy.

What is it about David’s music that gets to me?

As I learn to accept truth while sitting in a construction zone, I wonder how to change who I am. Of course a song comes…

So we had a talk last night
About the heavy blow that you dealt in fight
Your back against the wall
It was a puzzle peice
important to the whole that I may not find
You placed within the hole
I never seem to put them in the gaps I see
like a puzzle where the pieces lost you and me

So I’m changing who I am
’cause what I am’s not good

How do you change who you are?

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