friendship and INFJs
INFJs don’t form a lot of close friendships in their lifetime… we are very selective. This isn’t about conceit, but really about knowing ourselves. We only have so much emotional energy we can give to another without great harm to our soul, so we make sure we give it to those we truly connect with, those we deem “worth it.” What I mean by “worth it” is those who come close to understanding us. Those who push us beyond our preconceived notions. Those who challenge us and make us think. Those who aren’t afraid of not understanding us, but are willing to go along with us for the ride. Those who try, need to know they will never fully plumb the depth of our complications (we don’t understand our own complications, so we certainly don’t expect others to understand them either.) Those to whom we give our emotional energy have penetrated our surface, which we keep pretty impenetrable. Because we want those who’ve worked for it, because honestly? We would do the same for them. The thing about us INFJs is that we have some expectations. Because we know humanity can be better. We look for that in ourselves, and we honestly want everyone else to do the same.
Once you’ve passed this “test” we are loyal to a fault, even when truly wronged. Not just in a theoretical sense, but in a reconciliatory way. If we’ve invested in you, we don’t want to give you up. We won’t simply forgive and then cut you out of our lives (unless we can no longer emotionally handle it) but we will forgive and continue with the relationship because we have already decided you are worth it.
Take note: this is a high honor, and it should be treated as such. You will be hard-pressed to find a more devoted friend or partner than an INFJ, because we are happy to put so much energy into those we love. We find it satisfying because we take great joy in making those we love happy and safe.
We don’t fake relationships. If we want you in our lives, we make time for you no matter what else gets put to the side. See this article. (“It doesn’t matter what gets done if you’ve undone a heart.”) We don’t expect quite the same level of devotion from others, but we do need to feel as though you are making some kind of effort. It doesn’t have to be huge, it doesn’t have to be at the same level as ours, but some effort needs to be there. We really just want to know that you care and that we matter to you. And we love seeing your personality manifest itself in showing this care. We fully understand that everyone’s idea of being there for you looks different. And we embrace this. Because to us, it’s the people that matter. And the ones we’ve carefully selected to love mean everything to us.
There is a down-side to this level of commitment we have, because while no one likes to be let down or rejected, INFJs take it harder than anyone else. To reject our love and loyalty is to cut us to our core. (I honestly have not found anything that hurts me more.) We value authenticity and integrity and take offense if it’s suggested that our love is meaningless or trivial – whether you mean it that way or not. Because your actions mean more to us than your words. If you treat us like we do not matter, any words that say otherwise mean nothing to us.
Because we are so incredibly protective of our inner selves, those to which we open our inner selves are priceless to us. Our love and our loyalty take so much from our emotional center, so we view that love and those we are loyal to as a precious commodity. If you don’t like-wise consider it the treasure that it is, it’s best to remove yourself from our lives. Because taking us for granted is something you will regret. We are the rarest of rare personalities, and thus we are the rarest of friends. We are intense. We are complicated. But we are always worth it. Because we’ll push you, we’ll cheer you on, we will ask you great questions to help move you forward and we’ll love you more than we love ourselves.