Answering the Call
What I’m listening to: Tait’s Empty
My friend Shannon
is in Budapest – she left last month to join the YWAM
mission group there and I’m thrilled for her. She sent me these great pictures this week of her new apartment and roommate. She just had a birthday and as I looked through her photos of how she spent that day, her birthday, in a strange country with a person she barely knows, I was simply in awe of her.
Back in 1996, I dedicated my life to the ministry. At the time, I thought I knew what that would involve. When that didn’t work, I accepted what God’s plan was and that was for me to be here. Years later, I’m enjoying my simple life. My life filled with love and friends, music and bible study, graphic design and the guitar… just simple things. Lovely things I’ve settled into, an environment I love and that make my life the abundant life God has promised.
But am I settling?
Let me back up a bit.
Several months ago, I was feeling directionless in my role as worship leader at my church. So much so, I was wondering if it wasn’t time for me to move on. And I almost missed it: God’s purpose. I realized I was feeling directionless because my church was also. We were without a pastor for about a year and during that time, God revealed to me what was/had gone wrong within our church. Things I couldn’t see before. Maybe I wasn’t ready to see them. And it took being without a pastor for many of us in leadership positions to step up and make things change. So I’ve been taking an active role in making that collective vision happen. It’s scary, but as my friend Lindsey said “You’ve answered the call.” Sometimes the enormous responsibility I have weakens me, but I rest in him who is able to keep me from falling.
Shannon is halfway across the world, sharing the light of Christ. She has stepped out in faith and taken a path few would take. She left her family and friends here in Nebraska to follow God’s call. And all I could think about is how lonely I would be if I was doing the same thing. There are many things I admire about Shannon’s faith and her willingness to go where called. And while I know God has in no way called me to Budapest, I can’t help but wonder if I could even do it if I was called.
These lovely things I surround myself with are just benefits from having a stable income and remaining in a place for 5 or so years now. I go through highs and lows in my walk with Christ, I get to see my family almost every week, I lead worship at a church I love, I have friends who I trust and who are there for me. Not thousands of miles away, but here. So I’m not let down, I’m not out of my element, I’m not lonely. I’m comfortable.
My life is abundant. I may have answered a call, but it seems so easy. It’s almost like what I’ve been called to do is like breathing, an extension of myself. I guess I’m being brave, not like Shannon, but brave nonetheless.
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
What Peace? and What Heart?
…when you least expect it…
I learned a very valuable lesson. I learned what it means to strive for excellence, not perfection. And I finally know and have experienced the raw power of God’s peace.
A friend of mine once said, “I make the little decisions with my head and the big decisions with my heart. After all, that’s where Jesus is.” I’ve often pondered that statement – wondering if this was just a way to make decisions based solely on feelings or if there is a great truth in her words. I fear our society is one that often relies on feelings only – the mentality “If it feels good, do it.” This mantra is all around us – it has damaged us emotionally, physically, deep down. And Satan has so deceived us we don’t see and realize it’s happened.
But Christ does live in our hearts. He does in mine. I struggle with making it a home for him – because my heart is hard at times, it’s been let down my friends, family, co-workers, professors, bosses. And I’ve let my own heart down with my sinful actions, my words, my thoughts. But I still want my heart to be a place where Jesus feels welcome. And I’m big on Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” I believe we should be careful who we give our hearts to – who we trust and love. Who we allow into our lives. Because our hearts are precious. That’s why God wants our hearts. It is the wellspring of life.
I’ve realized I felt as though I’ve been waiting for my life to start in the last couple of years. Then words from the old John Lennon song came into my head “Life is what happened while you’re making other plans.”
Then I remembered the story of the book of Ruth. The story of a woman who was so in the centered of God’s will she followed her mother-in-law for no other reason than she knew it was what God wanted her to do. And God blessed her for doing that. And others also saw the honor in what she did.
Ruth 2:11-12
Boaz replied, “I’ve been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband-how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before. May the LORD repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the LORD , the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge.”
When you are in the center of God’s will, there is a peace that overcomes you. And I’ve had the head-heart struggle in the last several months. My head was telling my “It’s time to leave this town and move on.” And my heart was saying, “Don’t go. I want to be here.” And I really wanted to stay. But I didn’t want to ignore my head.
Then God directed me to Philippians. The peace of God transcends all understanding. I’ve probably read that verse a thousand times. But the other night I discovered something new about that verse. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.(Phil 4:7) I took out the appositive and the full force of what God does hit me right in the chest.
“The peace of God will guard my heart.”
I said this over and over, almost in disbelief. The two issues I’ve been stuggling with I didn’t think had a connection, but somehow they were connected. And God showed this to me. His word transformed me. And now I see that the center of his will is what will keep my heart at peace. For there is no other place I want to be.
What I’m listening to: Renee Fleming’s Under the Stars
Never Underestimate My Ability to Doubt Myself
What I’m listening to: Chris Tomlin’s Arriving
I’ve been hearing a theme in my everyday life lately – fear.
“Fear not” is the most frequent instruction God gives us in the Bible. Probably not a coincidence. Fear can sink fast – without you even realizing it. Bad fear is when trust isn’t there. Good fear is when it keeps you from driving like an idiot.
Is my fear a lack of trust in God? I’m not sure. I know my fear most certainly is for lack of trust in myself. I’ve screwed up enough that I’m too scared to do something – because I’m just sure I’ll screw it up. I know myself well enough. I’m really good and ignoring all the warning signs God provides – all the instruction he give me and just messing things up.
Just another lovely side effect of low self esteem.
It’s happening slowly – I can feel it. I have since last spring. God knows me well enough to not hit me in the face with it all at once. He does it in pieces – so I can get used to the idea. So when he hands me the last piece, it will make sense.
Sometimes I wish he would hurry it along. I guess I just need to trust (there’s that word again) he will reveal it to me when I’m ready.
I guess I just want to be ready now.
may i wear black?
What I’m listening to: Don Chaffer’s You Were at the Time for Love
coffee and daylight obscure my senses as the sun goes down
my eyes travel across pages with words i do not want to face
i want to be put away
where no one is bothered by me
where the corner of a room is my haven
and the color black is not of death, but of hiding
is there a difference?
my ears hear the low rumble of trains in the distance and traffic in midtown
the smell of expresso beans and paper reach through
all at once i want to be everywhere and nowhere
to know more life
to be more who i am (or who i should be)
am i enough?
but my shame overtakes my heart
i wear the black sweater of fear
the back of the room welcomes me
the whispers in my ear…
you are meant for more than this
i have no faith in me
but i do
the walls of self-protection weaken
but may i still wear black?
Stephanie Nelson 