Six Songs of Me
in which i crawl in and out of myself.
During May and June (as I have many, many times before) I crawled into myself and stayed there. I was a functioning introvert. I still went to work and small group and church and a few social things. I still taught a class on Galatians, lead a book club discussion, lead a 9-week study in my small group, counseled several hurting people and even did a few social things here and there. I was upright and talking (maybe with my eyes glazed over a bit) with a coffee cup in my hand and an ache in my heart. But – I remained inside of myself.
I closed off that ache to the rest of the world. I remained a servant letting no one serve me. I didn’t tell anyone what I was going through, partially because I didn’t fully understand it myself. See, us introverts have to process it all inside our brains and our hearts first before we can even begin to think about sharing it with someone. Then comes the arduous process of figuring out who to share it. Will it be the best friend? The pastor? The mentor? The counselor friend? The mom? “Who will it bother the least?”, are the questions typically asked. “Who will judge me the least?” “Who won’t repeat to anyone?” The introverts always asks “Who can I trust with my heart?”
The introvert usually has the solution worked out in their head already, whereas the extrovert talks to get to the solution. So the introvert (me) doesn’t always even share the issue with anyone… why bother, since the solution is already figured out? All it will do is take up someone else’s time for no reason… because for the introvert (me again) the reason must have a tangible end goal. Never mind that sharing may help create community with you (ahem, me) and someone very special.
This is what happened to me last week, over peach tea and a pita pocket, after a shopping trip to Trader Joe’s and Hobby Lobby. An extrovert pointed out to this introvert that she felt left out. And in doing so, reminded me that I needed to ask her for help. This made her feel like I was truly her friend, like I was needing her and in relationship with her. In doing so, this also helped me ease the burden I’d largely created myself – unnecessarily.
Friends who push me to be better (and less introverted) are how God caused waters to flow.
this post is part of the he caused waters to flow project.
stories, glitter and plumbing
This is my absolutely favorite children’s bible. I hadn’t read any sort of children’s bible since I was a child myself and when I was looking for something different to use in Children’s Church, I knew The Jesus Storybook Bible would be the way to go. It was highly endorsed at seminary, and several friends of mine use it in Children’s Ministry at their church. Sally Lloyd-Jones tells the story of God rescuing us over and over throughout this bible in a beautiful and thoughtful way.
I’ve never liked kids. I’ve never wanted to have them, never wanted to work with them. I only do so now because it’s a small percentage of my job, and thankfully God has made me not hate them in the process. Today I talked to the kids in Children’s Church about how our sin separates us from God. We read the story of Jonah running away from God and how that’s just like when we sin – we get further and further away from him. These kids just love this book. They love the pictures, the way she writes (it truly is a story bible) and the crazy way I give characters funny voices. How did I get here? I have no idea.
Thursday my plumber came to replace my garbage disposal. As he was working I was cutting up a paper towel core, putting slits on each end and putting them together to make an ichthus. Then painting it with glue and adding glitter.
I’m single, 37, never wanting to have kids and this is my life. I work on kids’ stuff for church.
I’ll admit, if I didn’t have to I wouldn’t be doing it. It’s most certainly not in my sweet spot. Give me an adult asking me my opinion on the Northern or Southern Galatia theory any day. But I have learned, in writing curriculum for children, how it reminds me that if I can’t explain it so children can understand it, they I don’t understand it myself. Watching those kids today gobble up The Jesus Storybook Bible and the story of Jonah gave me water for my soul. So did my cute new plumber who said to me, “man… you can make something out of everything if you try,” as he watched me get glitter on my face.
“He made streams come out of the rock and caused waters to flow down like rivers.” (ESV)
This post is part of the he caused waters to flow project.
in which a monsoon causes waters to flow
I spent most of the morning on my back patio, watching the rain fall down over the dry desert land, talking on the phone with my loved ones far away and re-reading Blue Like Jazz.
It’s 75 degrees outside right now. And it’s July. In ARIZONA. Never, ever happens.
Monsoon season is strange to this Midwestern girl. I’m used to storms, most certainly, but these are very different. There is usually a great deal of lightening and very little thunder. Most of the time it’s just small and big haboobs, caused my lungs to fill with dust and sneezes for days after. Never have I experienced a monsoon day that is cool like this one. I know this is God’s gracious care for me filling my heart. My heart that was desperate for a filling up. The air smelled like I was back in Nebraska this morning and nothing has ever felt so sweet.
It not much… just a little rain. For right now I’ll take it. Because rain has come to symbolize something for me since I moved to the desert. It’s come to symbolize home.
finding waters in Embrace Me, puzzles and coffee
Tuesday I had the women’s book club to set up and run. I was up all night Monday worrying about it, as it was the first time I’d done this kind of thing and it was very new for this church and this culture. I was getting asked on Monday, “Where do we get the book” “Do we come with it read?” After I’d been advertising for two months. Ugh. People are frustrating.
Tuesday went fine but was very stressful. Wednesday was another stressful day with two unexpected meetings eating up my morning and Wednesday night’s class not quite prepped yet. By the end of class that night I was done for, so when two young women in the class asked to be let back into the church while I had an armful of class material in the pouring rain, I very nearly lost it in front of them. Instead I decided to go to the grocery store and call my mom on the way. I sat in the parking lot for 45 minutes crying to her about how much this job was killing me inside.
But it’s not the job, really. It’s the constant neediness. I didn’t grow up in a household like that. I grew up fending for myself, and being told to get it done – and figure out a way on your own how to get it done. The fact that people need their hand held through something as simple as a book club makes me want to scream. And cry.
A friend asked me to come over for a game night on Thursday. I just couldn’t do it. All I wanted to do was sit at home and cry. While I’m sure the invitation was sincere, it felt like just another obligation to someone in the church who needed me for something. Another friend texted me Friday afternoon and asked if I would go shopping with her this morning. Knowing I needed to get out of the house after my crappy day of household breakage, yard work and more frustration, I agreed.
I open the door this morning to her and two other friends, with donuts, puzzles and smiling faces.“We’re kidnapping you.” They pushed their way into to my home, began to make coffee and set up a puzzle. I was stunned. It took me a while to process what they were doing, so much so I couldn’t really even enjoy the fact that they were here because they were worried about me, knew I was struggling and wanted to be there for me. I was stunned because this has never happened to me. Honestly, never. With the obvious exception of my family, I’ve never had friends put away their own concerns and needs for mine, so much so to sacrifice a morning just to heal me. I really didn’t know what to do with that.
We talked, ate donuts, drank coffee and put together two puzzles. They left at noon. I’ve been reading and watching TV to spoil myself for the rest of the day.
I finished the book Embrace Me by Lisa Sampson. Wonderful stuff. I’m putting it on the book blub list for next spring. Lots of redemption and a wonderful story for God’s ability to transform our heart and forgive others.
Tomorrow is full of more neediness. I have to run children’s church and sing opera at a colleagee’s going away potluck. I am, however, refusing to bring a dish for it. I am not superwoman.
This post is part of the he caused waters to flow project
Stephanie Nelson 