Last week I went through extremely patchy internet service, with most nights not being able to connect at all. It wasn’t my modem, Charter said, and it took them a week to get someone here to fix it. I’m really glad I can go to the office after hours and get done what I need to get done online, because I don’t know what I would’ve done without that option.

So, it looks like I’m back to a somewhat stable internet connection tonight. After the Charter technician was here for an hour and a half this morning, he swore he fixed it. Time will tell. I’ve never been a fan of Charter Communications, but they are the only non dial-up choice in town.

Last Wednesday I met with a local pastor I’d met briefly a year ago through the Midwest District of E-Free Churches. With a paid staff of 23 and an insurmountable number of volunteers, they may not be a mega-church but they are close. As much as I dislike the idea of mega-churches, if I’ve heard my call from God correctly I’ll most certainly end up working in one.

The senior pastor there is one of the warmest, nicest pastors I’ve met and he knows how to preach from scripture straight-up (I’ve only heard him a few times, but those times were excellent and I still remember them). We made a connection right away, and he encouraged me more than anyone else has (which is kind of sad, really) once he heard about my call, how it began and where it ended up. I am thankful knowing that when the time comes for me to leave my current ministry, which I plan to do if I choose to take online courses for seminary. Why have I decided this? Because I’ve never felt called to be a worship leader. It just happened to me, with God in his surprising ways. I’ve done what I set out and was hired to do, which was change the worship style at our church from traditional to contemporary/blended. So in order to get the practical ministry experience closer to what I ultimately feel called to do, I want to work within an equipping ministry area of a church. (Which isn’t available where I am currently a member.)

The meeting went really well, and he was excited to talk to me and welcomed me with open arms, saying there would be a place for me whenever I needed it. That felt good. He was thrilled I got into Bethel, and when I told him I was applying to another, more affordable school he said, “Remember you get what you pay for. Don’t short yourself on a good education just because another place is less expensive.”

Good advice, I guess, but that’s pretty easy for a senior pastor of an almost mega-church to say.

Today I did two important things… I called the housing director at Bethel Seminary and told her I would not be moving into the apartment they had reserved for me. Then I signed my financial aid package form, checked “No, I will not be attending Bethel Seminary and I reject all aids and grants”, then mailed it.

I’ve been sad for the last couple of weeks with the startling realization that as a single woman, I have no idea how I can afford to go to seminary. The grants Bethel offered me were quite paltry and in their words, “It’s based on your 2006 income.” Which makes no sense to me, because I wouldn’t have that same income as a student. So I’d be forced, as Bethel’s MA program is three years, to take out about $50,000 in loans just to pay tuition and student fees. I’m starting to understand why it’s best to go seminary right after undergraduate school, because most likely the grants offered would be a lot more because my income was next to nothing.

I could take out $50,000 in federal loans if I wanted to. Most people do. But in order to pay that back in the alloted time, I’d have to make a $300 a month payment. Honestly? I don’t see how that’s possible. I know what people who work in ministry make, and it’s not enough to afford that plus all the other expenses life requires. I don’t have the luxury of another income to help out with things like that. It’s just me, and I have nothing to fall back on.

I’ve been reading about the high cost of seminary, and am not surprised some have the same experience as I.

Ministry and School Debt
Shortage or Shift?
Seminary Students Speak Out
One Man Ministry

I’m starting to feel like just another statistic of someone who wants to enter the ministry, even feels a called to it, and just can’t afford to go to seminary. Since 95% of full-time ministry jobs in the church require a master’s degree, what’s a person to do? Ignore the debt, be a bad steward of their money, and be saddled with debt for 20 years?

It feels a little like this:

Living a life with a burden vs. living a life of regret.

I’m sure I sound incredible dramatic. That’s where I’m at right now, and it’s frustrating. I feel like the cowardly lion, who’s been swat on the nose and instead of standing up I’ve run away.

If on courage
You must call
Then just keep on tryin’
And tryin’
And tryin’
You’re a lion
In your own way
Be a lion

Come on be a lion
-from The Wiz, “Be a Lion”